ponder on some of her best quotes she
delivered in her time with us.
Now everyone would admit that the late Joan
Rivers always did have something to say about
anything. We'd also admit that even though she
(most times) took it a bit too far, she was
downright hilarious.
As we mourn the late fashion icon, let's ponder on
some of her best quotes she delivered in her time
with us.
Here are 30 of them...
. "People say that money is not the key to
happiness, but I always figured if you have
enough money, you can have a key made."
. "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look
like without plastic surgery."
. "The fun of working on the road means stealing
from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a
set of towels from the Ark."
. "I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
. "Thank God we're living in a country where the
sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you
can shop in bed thanks to television."
. "I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me
was 1963."
. "I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I
spray it with Pledge."
. "I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this
year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best
Special Effects.""
. "At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!"
. "A child can be taught not to do certain things,
such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables,
and wake Mommy before noon."
. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most
of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
. "You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy
sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can
see through it."
. "Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty."
. "You know you've reached middle age when
you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor,
instead of by the police."
. "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider
it."
. "There's no one to call up and have the same
memory bank. … Nobody wants to hear that you
met Harry Truman. … I met Harry Truman. … But
you know what I mean? Nobody's interested.
They want to know you met Rihanna."
. "I must admit I am nervous about getting
Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke
and never know it."
. "At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five
different accents."
. "When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off.
When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least
three years off."
. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the
dishes, and six months later, you have to start all
over again."
. "Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate
makes the world go round. If you think I'm
kidding, just watch the six o'clock news. The first
twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and
murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst
of all, real housewives."
. "Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then
there are the really unhappy ones."
. "A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years
younger. My first thought was to rescue two more,
but I don't want to go through menopause again."
. "There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I
hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.—I've Been
Through It All. This degree comes not on
parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you
that there is a way to get through any misfortune."
. "You know you're getting old when work is a lot
less fun and fun is a lot more work."
. "The fashion magazines are suggesting that
women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For
me that would be a shroud."
. "Had a friend who is going through menopause
come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so
bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet
. "The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring
on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear
one more time: 'How many czars does it take to
change a light bulb? None; they didn't have them
in those days,' I think I'll scream!"
. "The book I wish I'd never written is Joan Rivers's
Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology."
. "We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a
great steak."
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.