every Tuesday and throw a bunch of sarcasm at
you, but I am being one-billion-percent serious
when I say that this particular episode of Under
the Dome was one of the worst episodes to ever
splatter onto our television screens. R.I.P., logic
and common sense; what a shame it was to see
you brutally murdered, set aflame, and launched
into space in "Reconciliation." Did you misplace
your phone or accidentally call your wife
"Blurglepants" after watching this episode? If you
did, it's not your fault—Under the Dome made
you dumber. Your brain has essentially been
replaced by a kumquat.
And is it any coincidence that the episode that
shaved several points off our IQs was the one in
which Julia Shumway, professional journalist for
the Chester's Mill Independent, rose to power? It
was going to take several expertly crafted
and convincing speeches and a whole bunch
of nick-of-time deus ex machinas to save Chester's
Mill from the incompetent rule of Julia Shumway.
Luckily, both were more readily available than a
free coffee refill at Sweetbriar Rose.
Let us begin with something that happened even
before the episode started tripping over its own
feet and repeatedly smashing its teeth into the
pavement. The "Welcome to Under the
Dome" message designed to give first-time
viewers (run, first-time viewers, run until you
cannot run anymore!) a brief overview of what's
happening stated that a dome came down over
Chester's Mill TWO WEEKS AGO. In Junior's first
scene, he said he received an email from his mom
two days ago, which we saw happen two episodes
ago. So in 12 days, the following happened in
Chester's Mill:
The Dome came down
A fire burned that house down and stopped
everything in town
There was a meningitis outbreak
The military launched a huge bomb at the Dome
There was a water shortage
There was another water shortage
A large underground fighting league started in the
abandoned cement factory
Joe almost had sex with Norrie against the Dome
Several manhunts occurred
Food supplies were depleted
The Dome went all black
Magnet Dome!!!
The great Caterpillar Plague of 2013 or whenever
this show takes place
There was almost a manmade Swine Flu epidemic
An axe murderer terrorized the populace
You know how some shows have employees
whose main job is to make sure that
story timelines match up and there are no
inaccuracies? The guy who took that gig on Under
the Dome's must've quit on his first day. Haven't
we seen Barbie and Julia wake up in each other's
arms like 20 times? Are they taking lots of mid-
afternoon naps? Or maybe all that stuff I
listed above really did happen in less than a
fortnight, in which case everyone in Chester's
Mill is doing a bang-up job of keeping it together
because I would've lost my marbles by now. I
have trouble staying sane when my DVR is
recording two shows at once, but Chester's
Millians deal with near-death situations by
getting an omelet and a cup o' Joe at the town
diner.
Or maybe the pressure IS getting to the townfolk,
because for the first time in forever, the people of
Chester's Mill were not operating under one
singular hivemind. They formed "opinions," and
had "debates" based on their own individual
"feelings" rather than blindly burning
down whatever Big Jim told them to burn down.
Well, only two guys really did, but like an
electoral college or the Nielsen ratings system,
they represented EVERYBODY.
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